Brothers and Fathers
by TheDisneyOutsider
Summary: Behind the scenes of 2x05 "Brothers". Kevin struggles with his grief as he reflects on his childhood camping trip with his brother and father.


**A/N- This is my first This Is Us story. I've been thinking about it for days now and when I woke up this morning the story was so loud in my head that I couldn't bring myself to do anything else before I wrote it. It's my take on some of the behind the scenes stuff and thoughts that may have been going on during 2x05 "Brothers".**

 **Disclaimer: I used a large chunk of the actual dialogue from episode 2x05. Those words are not mine. The rest are.**

* * *

"You WILL be good to your brother. Now rebuild that tent, and when you're done you're going to sit inside it."

"For how long?"

"Until I tell you you can come out," His father had replied angrily.

It was no secret that Kevin got in trouble the most out of the three kids. If not for being mean to Randall, then for running his mouth or his large bouts of energy that seemed to cause mischief without even trying. It's not that he liked getting into trouble, surely no kid did. But sometimes, even when his dad was lecturing him, it was nice to have the man's attention, or to see the concern on his face for Kevin, instead of his brother or sister for once.

It had only taken one more peg to get the tent back up to a standing position and another minute for the boys to unroll their sleeping bags inside, before their dad was on him again.

"Okay Kev, inside," he ordered, pointing to the entry.

"It's not fair, it's not like Randall got hurt! I was just having fun!" He couldn't help but argue. He knew the effort was worthless, but it gave him a few extra moments with his dad's attention before he would be in solitary.

"Kevin," his name came in a warning tone, "What did we JUST talk about?"

The little boy only rolled his eyes, but turned in the direction Jack was pointing. He knew when he was too close to pushing his dad over the edge.

"You better smarten up, kid," the elder warned as he crouched inside watching the boy get situated, "I mean it. I want you to think about why you're in here and how you can be nicer to your brother, and no Gameboy," he held out his hand for the device Kevin had retrieved from his pocket. He grabbed it swiftly from the boy, placing it on top of the bag beside him before exiting. Kevin laid back, arms crossed with a huff.

He was supposed to think about why he was in there, how he could be nicer to his brother. The truth was, he didn't really know why he acted the way he did with Randall. Yes, maybe it was a jealousy thing or the fact that he was only following the lead of the kids at school. It _was_ weird that they didn't look like brothers, really, they weren't real brothers. Kevin had a brother. A real brother that was in his mom's belly just like he had been. Yet, for some reason, he wasn't allowed to have that brother to grow up with. The one that would have looked like him and liked the same things he liked.

And honestly, sometimes Kevin didn't even mind Randall all that much. When they played action figures, or race cars, or even football together in the backyard. It was fun to have somebody to do stuff with... sometimes. But Kevin and Kate had a different bond, the same bond that they would have shared with their twin brother if they had gotten to grow up with him. It was special and it was one that Randall was never going to understand. Nobody understood it really. He would do anything for his sister. He could feel her pain, when she was happy, he was happy. He would never be able to have a bond like that with Randall.

He knew Randall looked up to him just like a little brother did. Even if Randall was technically older. He was always trying to impress Kevin, look for his approval, spend time with him. Yet, Kevin couldn't reciprocate. Even when he wanted to. All it took was one look at his parents' proud smiles towards Randall. If Randall wasn't around, would he have been the one his parents were proud of?

But, Kevin just caused trouble. It was what he was good at and when the model airplanes didn't hold his father's attention, surely needing to reprimand him would. If Randall got attention for being smart and being adopted, and Kate got attention because of her weight, then surely Kevin would get the attention he was looking for by speaking out and causing mischief.

Though, right now, Kevin was the one sitting in the tent all by himself, and Randall was the one outside, laughing and getting the one-on-one attention from their dad. The thought only made Kevin more upset.

* * *

Jack had let his son stew in the tent for thirty minutes before he decided that it had been long enough and it was time to talk to him. He headed towards the tent positively, hoping that Kevin had thought through his actions and was ready to apologize and join his brother and dad once more.

When he opened the flap to the tent, however, and took a look at his son, he couldn't help the disappointment overtake him.

"I said no Gameboy. Turn it off, now," he ordered sternly, upset that his son was still challenging him. Patience already thin, he got straight to the point, "Why are you so hard on him?"

"I'm not." Was the boy's pouty reply and Jack grew concerned that the time by himself had done nothing to fix his attitude.

"Yes, you are, Kev, and I want you to tell me why?" He pressed.

"He's annoying!"

His frustration only grew at that declaration. He was suddenly hit with memories of his own brother and the time they had spent together as children. He would give anything to have those moments with Nicky back. He wanted his own sons to appreciate each other, to not take for granted their own brother, but it was difficult to explain those things to a ten-year-old, and Jack pushed down his own grief in order to deal with his son appropriately.

"No, he's not annoying. He's just trying to show how much he loves you. You know, i-it would be SO easy for you to be nice to him, but it takes you more energy and causes more trouble you being mean to him like you are, so why can't you just be nice to him?"

"I don't know."

"That's not a good enough answer, Kevin, I want you to tell me why?"

"I don't know!"

This talk was going nowhere and he realized he wasn't going to get an answer from the boy this way. Instead he changed tactics. It wasn't as if they didn't have some sort of idea why Kevin acted the way he did towards his brother. It was hard to parent three and the father had learned over the years that sometimes focusing on one kid that needed it only left another one out. It was a hard cycle and Jack was still learning.

"Is it because he gets special attention, sometimes? You know because all you kids, you need something different, at different moments, you need something differ-"

"I DON'T KNOW. STOP!" The man was loudly and abruptly cut off, "You said I had to sit in here, you didn't say we had to talk about it, and I don't WANT to talk about it."

Jack was frustrated. He fought the urge to give the boy a smack to his behind as he turned over, or even a shake to get the boy to talk, but he refrained from doing either. That wasn't how they did things in their house. The boy was close to tears now and it was obvious that he needed more time to himself. Instead, he sighed. When he's ready, he'll talk, he told himself. And he would be there for his boy when that time came.

"Okay. We'll talk about it later," he muttered tiredly as he left the tent, leaving his son to sulk alone.

. . .

"Hey Babe, what are you doing?" Sophie looked disapprovingly at the bottle in her boyfriend's hand.

Kevin looked up, too deep in thought to have heard his girlfriend enter the room. He sighed, "Thinking about the camping trip Randall and I took with Dad when we were kids."

She chuckled, "Isn't that the one you told me about where you basically spent the entire time in the tent?"

"Yeah," he grimaced at the memory, "...it is." He took a sharp intake and shook his head. "We had some pretty good times on that trip too though."

He remembered that night, staring up at the stars. Howling at the moon, tucked into his father's protective arm. If he pictured it hard enough he swore he could still smell the man's aftershave and the softness of his shirt.

He cleared his throat, averting his eyes from his girlfriend as the emotion begged to surface.

"You okay, Babe?... Kev?"

Clearing his throat once more, he nodded, plastering a signature smile onto his face. "Fine. I'm fine, promise."

Her eyes swam with concern, but she only nodded, "Okay. I'm going to go get ready then if you're sure you're okay."

"Of course, go ahead. I haven't forgotten that you've promised me final say on your outfit," he gave her a grin.

She only raised her eyebrow suggestively and smiled as she exited the room, leaving Kevin alone once more.

His thoughts returned to his dad as he raised the beer bottle to his lips again. He had hated the man that day. For taking Randall's side like both of his parents always did, for punishing him, for expecting more from him. The thing was, he knew that if the man were still alive today he would expect just as much from him as he had when he was ten-years-old. He wouldn't care that his boy was thirty-seven now. If he was still around and he was seeing the way Kevin was acting, the way he was spiralling out of control. _Again_. Kevin would be getting an earful.

That was the thing, though. If his father was still with them, he wouldn't have a reason to be disappointed in his son because none of this would be happening at all. If he hadn't left them all those years ago then none of the rotten stuff that had gone on in Kevin's life since then would have happened. The needing to prove himself, the addiction, the fact that he had already lost Sophie once and he was dangerously close to heading down that path again.

He was overcome by the same feeling that had plagued him since he was seventeen-years-old. The one that always made him feel too young and too scared. The feeling of wanting someone back so bad it hurt every fibre of his being, yet not being able to do anything about it. An emotion that physically pained him every time he thought about it because he knew there was nothing he could do to make that feeling go away. There was nothing he could do to make his father come back to him. It was an empty feeling. Hollow, he thought, bringing the bottle to his lips once more and taking a long chug.

He was ready to talk to his dad. But now, his dad wasn't there to listen.

* * *

 **A/N- Please leave a review if you have a minute and to my Gilmore Girls readers, Let Love Keep Us Together will most likely be updated in the next few days :)**


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